A Discourse on Halloween

By Justin McMahan ‘21

It is well known that the typical Conservative American hates handouts, as they rightly should. Whether it is the use of coded rhetoric to justify cutting food stamp programs in urban, inner city America or ignoring their constituents’ needs in their quest to destroy Obamacare, there has been a long history of refusing to help out those with their hands held out. The mantra: every American should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get a job, because with enough hard work, anyone can achieve the American Dream. To those who claim the Conservative American has been aided by silver spoons, privilege, gerrymandering and voter suppression? Any right minded American would call you a witch, a goblin, or an agent of the diabolical George Soros. The Grand Old Party of the United States of America is ruled by hard working millionaires and billionaires, who wake up at the crack of dawn and prepare for their back breaking days with a nutritious breakfast of Tucker Carlson and a bowl of tax loopholes. However the 31st of October brings Reagan's apostles a horror that has tricked them until now.

Any kid who grows up in America knows that there is no greater holiday than Halloween. They get to dress up in a costume, stay up till 9 pm running around the neighborhood with their friends, and receive candy from strangers. Those children who are lucky enough to live among wealthy Conservative Americans know that Halloween was made even better because rich houses stock up on king size candy bars. Few things bring a child greater joy than going to school on November 1st and pulling out a king size Snickers bar from their lunch box. The oohs and aahs from their classmates, the collective thud as the jaws of a lunchroom full of 4th graders hit the floor, and lastly, the satisfying feeling when they know that they have enough giant candy bars to last them until the end of the year.

If the above story has not spooked the Conservative American then their survival is doomed. Perhaps a clearer explanation of such horror is needed: Halloween is nothing more than a social welfare program designed by the Liberal Left to redistribute wealth in America. Think about it. The Conservative American has worked 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks of the year (winter vacation and annual hunting, golfing, yachting trips included) growing their generational wealth, only to experience a moment of weakness on Hallows Eve and give out huge amounts of enormous candy bars to neighborhood children. The very same children who have done nothing all year except go to public schools funded by taxpayer money. Oh the trickery! The Conservative American has once again fallen victim to the Socialist scheme of the Democratic Party. These children hide behind masks and capes to receive their undeserved handout, and the Conservative American has duly succumbed to their childish innocence and their calls of “Trick or Treat?” Such weakness is admittedly understandable, for what good Conservative American would ever want to harm a child? Unbeknownst to the Conservative American, though, is that these lazy children are not asking a question, they are disguising their burglary in plain sight. Trick or Treat?! The smugness! To take advantage of hard working one percenters just days before the midterm elections. What little devils! The Democrats might believe that a blue wave is coming, but the Conservative American has just found out that such a wave has been here all along, in the form of millions of freeloading children taking advantage of good will to receive undeserved handouts.

This Halloween the Conservative American must stay strong and refuse to give out those king size candy bars to the begging children. These children must learn a lesson: America is a nation where anyone can achieve the American Dream, as long as they are born in the right part of town, raised by a mother and a father who teach them the ethic of hard work, and use their generational wealth to start a tax evading business that donates millions to the Grand Old Party to dismantle the Liberal Left’s welfare state and Socialist agenda. To stop the Liberal agenda, the Conservative American must stop giving handouts on Halloween. If they don’t, this nation will become a true American Horror Story. American children will never pull themselves up by their bootstraps. American children will expect everything to be given to them for free. American children will smile and enjoy Halloween. That devilish smile on the face of the American child when they receive a king size candy bar must be wiped off. The Conservative American worked hard for their candy bar, and so must the future leaders of this great nation. The spookiest of times is upon the Conservative American. Beware.